WORDS FROM A FORMER WORKPLACE HERO

My mantra was, "There's plenty of room to be a hero." That was my way of urging others to do what I was doing: take on more work, step up, overwork, cancel vacations, work late, self-neglect, leave it all at the office, avoid all things vulnerable and bury any thoughts of a serious relationship.

Apparently I carried impossibly high standards and expectations of myself (and others) - but I didn't actually believe that. For me, hustling for worthiness was 100% normal - and others needed to hustle, too.

I had determined early in life that to be liked, accepted, respected, seen, acknowledged, important, significant enough to pay attention to -- I should work hard, give my all, work at a level that will produce perfection, surpass the goals, deliver excellence at all cost (to myself and my team).

I should add that there was an alternative path to being liked, picked and paid attention -- that was to be fit, thin and good looking. At some point, I chose to hide from the physical kind of attention and to, instead, build my career.

It's important to note that not all stories that brought us to here and now are the same though often the resulting behavior is similar. In my case, I worked like my life depended on it. Working was easier to me than almost anything else. And I liked what I did.

There were ALWAYS kudos for me and my team. Our events, by and large, were well-produced and drew impressive crowds. External kudos fed me, filled me up, kept me going.

At the finish of a big event or accomplishment, I would crash into depression and loneliness which I fed with food, isolation, self-criticism and more work.

And I ALWAYS noticed all the things that were not perfect - people who could have done better. Not only did I emotionally and mentally bash myself, but I took out disappointments on my team in not-so-subtle remarks.

It is painful to remember my sharp my tongue and reactivity. I had no tolerance for things and people not being perfect. (If I have not yet made amends to someone out there, please reach out to me.)

I literally could not physically tolerate how it felt to be imperfect at work: SHAME TO MY CORE. I felt shame to the core of my being.

So how did I change and what are some solutions?

Self-care, boundaries and life-work balance.

I had hit complete burn out with loads of shame and self-loathing for how I was behaving toward others. Deep down I wanted to succeed, sure, but WITH my team and all the people involved - not as a lone ranger (as I was called, and not in a good way).

Changing involved radical acceptance of myself, making amends, engaging in self-care, saying no, setting boundaries, stepping back from stepping up to take on more projects, moving aside for others to shine, working my recovery program around self-centeredness and lack of humility. But most importantly - all of this work was grounded in my childhood and how I learned and interpreted what I experienced as a young person.

Trauma resolution work. I engaged in EMDR and Somatic Experiencing simultaneously. This was super healing for me. I was so ready to release the destructive and self-sabotaging behavior and to resolve where it had come from.

Being a workaholic got me nowhere. Neglecting to take care of myself before I took care of you depleted me and contributed to my lack of patience and intolerance. Avoiding vulnerability and intimacy was a sure way to stay lonely and isolated.

I help professional women and executive leaders who may still struggle with reactivity or feelings of imperfection, fear or shame. If you are holding it all together at work just to get home and berate yourself in private, please book a call.

With over 30 years as a professional and leader inside organizations, I will help you navigate motives, expectations, old beliefs, limits and blocks you may still carry - so you can step into your full leadership capabilities, respond without reacting and love yourself so much it's contagious.