WOMEN IN 12-STEP RECOVERY DON’T SIT ON THE FENCE

Have you ever been in that place where you know not to do something, yet watch yourself doing the very thing? Me, too! This “fence” metaphor came to me when I started being consciously aware of changing my behavior.

I had lots to change and worked hard on my behavior using the 12 steps. I really can’t remember how many months or years it took for me to notice/feel my experience when I was changing – mostly the following is about stopping something (written in the present tense because it still happens).

Once I start to notice that I feel uneasy about a behavior, I imagine being in a small fenced-in pasture that is pretty but empty. The field on the other side of the fence is immense and goes on forever – it’s gorgeous with horses and wildflowers blowing in a breeze. The fence between the pasture and field is sturdy, a clear demarcation between the fenced pasture and open field. I imagine myself in the pasture doing the thing that I want to stop doing. I’m getting uncomfortable and frustrated as I watch myself doing whatever the thing is. I know better!

(Here’s a secret: the knowing doesn’t change the doing. Changing is changing. It’s doing differently. Knowledge may be power, but showing up to own our stuff and do it differently is more powerful.)

The more aware of my behavior and want to stop it, the closer I get to the fence. At that point, I notice I sometimes don’t do the thing – yay! Other times, I watch myself doing it even though I don’t want to. I ease up on myself because I feel the change happening. I sit on the fence, looking into the wide open field and occasionally have the feeling relief from not doing something I don’t want to do. And then…

I am moving effortlessly across the gorgeous field as though I have always behaved the new way. This is a taste of freedom, and I want more.

At about 6 months sober, I was at an AA convention and heard the speaker say, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” It rocked my world in the best possible way! I wrote it down, and it’s been my mantra ever since. It was another way to say, “If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting” and “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” All these resonate with me.

I KNEW I wanted to change, to stop. I hated how I felt inside, full of shame and self-loathing and unable to stop doing things – and yet so angry that other people wouldn’t stop what they were doing. If you can relate, can I get a hell yeah?!

I was full of shame, anger, and fear when I got into recovery from addiction, betrayal, hurts, and wounds, and living a life of insanity as defined above. But thank God I was a rule follower and do really well with structure. I said yes to the program, suggestions, service work opportunities, and to what the sober people ahead of me invited me to do (coffee, meetings, dancing, sharing my story, and helping others). Call it blind faith and my burning bush that helped me hold onto the belief that if I fully committed to recovery I would heal and then help others.

To all you professional, successful women committed to 12-step recovery – including those of us who have experienced betrayal and trauma – I offer hope. We are all worthy of thriving and living that life we dream about.

Our job is to show up in our lives being the best we can be – own our story, work through the consequences and mend relationships, and forgive others and ourselves. It all starts with courage and a willingness to be willing…

If you want to connect with your own metaphor and create this kind of energy to facilitate change, book a call, and let’s talk.