WHY I RISKED VULNERABILITY AND HOPE YOU WILL, TOO

Vulnerability used to be a four-letter word (because I wasn’t doing it right).

Have you ever thought you were being vulnerable by trusting someone with a personal secret – and then they distanced from you until you distanced? Then they chased you…until you came back, and then they ran, and so on (dramatic cycle of craziness)? Or maybe they simply ghosted you (ouch). Or they betrayed your confidence and told somebody else your secret (yeah, me too).

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS VULNERABILITY FELT LIKE A TRAP – AND A GAME I COULDN’T WIN.

I didn’t have the self-esteem to stand up in my truth (whatever that was). Instead, I was emotionally boundary-less, let my guard down, gave to and did things for others, shared my feelings and revealed sensitive parts of my story thinking the other person would love me, stay, want me, care for me.

Being raised in an alcoholic and sex-addicted home, I grew up too fast and with mixed messages. I took on lots of responsibility, yet emotionally froze.

People-pleasing was my thing – and I was award-winning. I felt most comfortable when controlling my environment – people, places and things. Utter self-neglect helped. I hid in plain sight by always doing for you and being socially acceptable.

Being a veritable “hostess with the mostess” made me an excellent event planner and nonprofit development professional. I saw the big picture and planned for anticipated problems and unmet needs prior to any encounter – no matter how hard I (and my team) had to work.

My personal life suffered; I stayed in a freeze response for years. I put all I had into work, which isn’t nearly as risky as relationships. I drove myself hard and to the point of having ZERO capacity for any emotional connection. You couldn’t get my attention or engage me in any type of conversation. This became a problem for me…

To be clear, I enjoyed my career and was honored to serve amazing nonprofit organizations! I own that I did not manage my work/life balance until I healed my deepest trauma and limiting beliefs.

I pushed myself for decades, without stopping long enough to connect to myself or risk being vulnerable about what I really wanted or needed. Then I tuned into my heart and listened to my body and made a significant adjustment. Along with my career shift, I processed some pent-up emotions and healed even more. My most significant takeaway:

WHEN I RELEASE CONTROL AND RISK BEING VULNERABLE, I EMOTIONALLY CONNECT AND BELONG.

While that seems counterintuitive (if not scary), it is from that delicious and safe place that I can identify and ask for my needs and wants without expectations or demands. People-pleasing and manipulation are no longer my go-to tools.

YOUR TURN! SLOW DOWN AND IDENTIFY THE NEEDS YOU’RE TRYING TO GET MET. AND THEN CHECK YOUR MOTIVES…

• Do you butter people up before you ask them to help you?
• Do you giggle and flirt (or sulk and pout) to get your guy to bring or buy you something?
• Do you help or compliment others so that they will do the same for you?
• Do you guilt, shame, threaten or give ultimatums so that others will do what you want?

Choose to stop manipulating right now – and consider healing your hurts with the help of a coach. Come to believe that you are enough exactly as you are and that showing up empty-handed is 100% acceptable. You no longer need to avoid vulnerability through people-pleasing.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I stay connected to myself and work solely from passion and purpose. An awesome result of giving up control and avoidant behavior is that I am able to be consistently vulnerable – and vulnerability delivers big, yummy rewards in all areas of my life!

My life is meaningful, calm, easy, fun, and filled with deep connection and love.

Before I healed my deepest trauma, I was hardwired to ignore red flags and blindly trust someone if they paid attention to me. Most of you can relate. The price we’ve paid to avoid vulnerability is high.

Healing isn’t about giving, doing, working, or loving someone else more. Love you! Develop a deep relationship with yourself. I want you to heal and become whole so you can experience this, too:

• I am deeply connected with people I trust and love
• I voice my wants and needs
• I openly share my heart and heart’s desire
• I share my feelings, thoughts, and questions to avoid assumptions
• I have clear boundaries that are not set by anger or fear
• I’m accountable and responsible when I get it wrong

VULNERABILITY IN A LESS-THAN-POSITIVE SITUATION IS THE BEAUTIFUL PATH TO BUILDING TRUST, SAFETY, AND CLOSENESS WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

I encourage you to take this risk – stop what you’re doing (to yourself) and start being vulnerable. It will change your life! If you prefer to have a trusted confidante and certified coach who’s been through this and come out on the other glorious side, grab a time on my calendar. Let’s visit about what may be blocking you from being vulnerable, taking risks, and having the life you want.