#1 REASON WE SAY YES WHEN WE DEEP DOWN WANT TO SAY NO

Fear is the number one reason we say YES when we deep down mean NO.

This topic is loaded - in this post, I am more focusing on everyday requests of us as adults, such as helping someone pack or move, join a nonprofit board committee, chair an event, speak at a breakfast club, double date with someone you don't like that much, buy the dress the salesperson has spent time selecting for you, taking on more at work without being realistic and honest about what's already on your plate, loaning a friend money even though your gut tightened when they asked...

In this culture, society, chaotic environment and, perhaps, in our childhood - we learned to put others' needs ahead of ours and to people-please at our own cost.

Saying no would be rude, cause an imposition or hurt their feelings. Maybe they'd ask someone else and you'd realize they didn't select YOU as much as they just needed someone to say yes.

Those accolades that make you feel good for being the hero - the one we can always depend on to say yes - would disappear. You'd essentially be giving someone else an opportunity to be the hero.

What if you miss out on something? What if people judge you for saying no? What if you say no but everyone else says yes - what's wrong with you?

This life-changing step of saying NO is about taking the risk to walk away from the illusion of false empowerment and to build your self-esteem and improve your health. Here's how to say NO while taking care of yourself and without offending the other person.

BE PRESENT AND PAUSE. Breathe in and out and take time to check in with yourself. Pause to consider the impact of your yes/no decision on you (not on them).

BE HONEST. Will yes be a tipping point over an edge and sabotage your priorities? Do you have fear of saying no, worried you'll be an imposition and what they'll think of you? It's very helpful to journal and/or process with a trusted other person who has no investment in your decision. The gift of being honest is knowing what you'll feel like if you say yes or no.

DECIDE. Choose what feels aligned with you (in spite of the chatter in your mind urging you to put others' needs ahead of yours). Is it yes or no?

DON'T LIE (TO THEM OR YOURSELF). Even if you're able and available to say yes - if you decide it's a no, thank them for the invitation and follow up with your version of no. If they ask why, answer with your truth. Here are examples that work without hurting someone (who is emotionally and mentally healthy).

• I’m not going to make it. (I plan to do something else that night.)
• I don’t want to do that at this point. (I'm not feeling ready for that step.)
• It's not for me. (Honestly, it's not my thing.)
• That doesn’t work for me/my schedule. (I'd consider an alternative date.)
• No thank you. (I'd rather not explain myself.)

HONOR YOUR NO. Recall a time you said yes when you really wanted to say no.

• Yes, I'll go to dinner with you on a "school night" even though we're not really friends and I haven't even connected with my best friends lately...
• Yes, I'll join the committee and sacrifice my self-care time to make sure I contribute to your organization instead of spending time with my kids or restoring my own mental health...
• Yes, I'll run errands with you even though I don't want to, am crabby, and haven't done my own errands.

Feel the impact and remember what you sacrificed and sabotaged because you said yes. Ouch.

When you risk saying what you mean, you'll start feeling relief (even if it first comes with a side of guilt). This little word is the base for self-care and delivers self-love, self-respect and self-esteem. The guilt will indicate to you that you've said what you meant to say instead of putting someone else ahead of you.

If you struggle with saying no when you mean no, debilitating guilt when you take care of yourself, or maintaining your boundaries, please book a call with me.