MY ROLE IN OUR DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY DYNAMICS

Thanksgiving can bring out the best and worst in us. It’s a time to be joyful, grateful, and generous of heart. And yet, it also brings sensitivity and masterful button-pushing. Some relatives with pesky behaviors show up as predictably as day follows night.

I used to judge that my family’s dysfunctional dynamics were based on how others showed up, how they acted… Of course, I would hook into the negative dynamic, but them being them was the problem.

If only they would be less this and more that, the family gathering would be as it should be.

As a competent event planner and producer (for which I have been well paid in my career), I have long held the role in my family as the Bossy Bitch with the clip board, delegating assignments to siblings and their people. The events were usually successful in the production. The personal relationship building – not so much. I could feel angry, resentful, lonely, and productive, successful, and competent – all in one meal prep!

At a family meeting to plan a major event, I grabbed my pen and pad of paper and tried to consensus build while delegating tasks. The bossier I got, the more they checked out. The more shutdown they became, the bitchier I got. I was acting out an old limiting belief:

If I didn’t take charge, no one would do anything.

And then – the wave of shame and self-loathing from my own behavior washed over me. When I fully autopsied the event and processed my disappointment and resentment, it became clear to me that I was a culprit. The role of being so competently in charge was seductive. I had been successful and that felt good. And I got to feel superior and judge my family. Not only does this suck for other people, it’s also a terribly lonely feeling.

I had carried the responsibility from childhood into adulthood, thinking my job was to keep and hold us together, initiate all celebrations, and coordinate all gatherings. It was time to stop taking charge.

Here are 4 things I did to change:

1. I processed my thoughts and feelings with a few close friends who don’t let me get away with much. (The more I told the story, the angrier I became — at myself.)
2. With gut-level honesty, I admitted to myself and others at an Al-Anon meeting that I was a driving force behind a family dynamic I couldn’t stand. I unreservedly owned my part (regardless of anyone else’s part, which is none of my business).
3. I identified my limiting belief: If I didn’t take charge, no one would do anything.
4. I turned to the 12 steps and coaching!

As I worked through the 12 steps and got coaching on this, I amended my behavior and began immediately making amends to those I had harmed (including me). As I let go of this limiting belief, I healed my thoughts that drove my feelings that drove my actions that led me to negative results.

When I want better results, I go back to the circumstance, thought, feeling, and action – and change me until I get the result I want.

For this year’s Thanksgiving, my desired result is to be a regular family member enjoying the family gathering. I will do and bring my part and then simply participate. I suspect the family dynamic that the Bossy Bitch energy used to create will not be an issue. May we all enjoy this Thanksgiving.

If you want to lay something down this Holiday Season, explore your limiting beliefs, or get different results, book a call and let’s talk.