HOW TO STOP PEOPLE PLEASING AND RECOVER

I was unaware that I was not living the way of integrity.

When I finally gave up people pleasing, I stopped telling little white lies. Or maybe I stopped lying and then recognized true freedom and happiness in saying true things. How empowering to say No instead of Yes, and to not volunteer to help others ahead of my own self-care, priorities, and responsibilities.

I became a people pleaser and little white lie teller at an early age. I learned to read others and read the room. I knew how everyone in my family would react based on what was happening. We walked on egg shells – all the time.

I became predictable. I’d do whatever it took to keep harmony, avoid anger, hide liquor and then hide from the drunk, and to keep the house quiet so the bear – when home – could sleep. I was all sunshine, good manners, and honor roll grades. I was how they needed me to be – even if I had to lie.

I was agreeable, pro-actively helpful, and motivated to be praised and patted on the head like a loyal puppy. The strategy worked – until it kicked my ass.

YOU MAY BE A WHITE-LIE-TELLING PEOPLE PLEASER IF:

• You do something you really don’t want to do (and I don’t mean changing diapers).
• You overschedule your life, hate it, and resent others.
• You have a hard time saying no and setting boundaries.
• You say yes before checking in with yourself to see if you even want to or have the time to do it.
• You procrastinate your own To Do List to help others or to go along with what they want.
• You rearrange your schedule often to accommodate others’ requests of you.
• You don’t remember what To Thine Own Self Be True means or feels like.
• You agree with just about everything, especially with your boss or would-be lover.
• You’re always available, helpful, and dependable; the Go-To who always says yes.

If this resonates with you, take a deep breath. Then imagine walking in your back door. No one is home, except you. How do you feel? What do you do next?

People pleasers can feel lonely, resentful, depleted, and hopeless. We can isolate, numb, avoid, be prone to self-pity, and binge Netflix or Apple TV with popcorn and ice cream. And we don’t want to hurt others’ feelings.

Chronic people pleasing comes with a low bottom – possibly a physical collapse or debilitating illness, with or without a mental or emotional breakdown. Devastating behaviors become options: poly-addiction, self-harm, and destructive choices. People pleasing can leave us feeling hopeless and considering suicide.

But who would I be if not the very helpful and agreeable girl raised in my family?

HOPE & INTEGRITY

Hope for me emerged when I admitted that people pleasing had kicked my ass. I felt sad about what it had cost me. I saw how I had chosen to move away from the life I kept thinking I should have. I was angry about the time I had wasted focusing outside myself and pleasing others.

I felt afraid to change until…

I devoured Martha Beck’s The Way of Integrity and – at once – stopped telling little white lies when I wasn’t interested or was running late. I started saying what I thought instead of acting like I agreed (when I didn’t). I stopped saying yes when I meant no.

After just one month of not telling a lie, my life had so radically improved. I felt like Laura – the real me, inside and out – maybe for the first time in my life. The way of integrity is my way. No more excuses (that I once thought were harmless). I just say things that are true. “I don’t want to answer that.” “I left my office too late to be on time and apologize for disrespecting your time.” “Thanks for asking. I don’t care for sushi. I do like steaks and grilled veggies.”

YOUR NEXT MOVE

What would YOUR life be without white lies and people-pleasing?

What would you do if you chose you and what you want – if no one were watching or expecting anything from you? It won’t cost you a thing and no one will stop you. It won’t hurt you (or anyone else).

What is your next move? You choose.

If you want to find and live your just-right life, start saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You’ll be amazed how the world around you responds and what doors open for you. If you want help along the way or to share your story, I’d love to hear from you!